Oh what I would give to have a viril, flowing beard. Beards are so...so...nordic or algo saxon or something or other. My attempts to grow a beard shamefully turn out to just disgusting old man hair on my chin shit. Sigh. Another curse casted upon my existence.

note: of course, I wouldn't mind having a kung fu goatee.

It turns out that I look pretty Asian. I didn't know this before, and when I was told, I had to stop for a second, pick up my shattered heart and dreams from the dirty ground, and hide my face in shame. I was waiting for my Spanish class - a complete waste of time for various reasons - to begin outside of the classroom. Due to my extreme laziness here, I was trying to complete homework that should have been done a long time ago, and soon, the rest of the class showed up and gathered around the bench where I was. (The reason why they gathered wasn't because of me but because there was a bench. Just to clarify).

On a personal appearance note, I have been growing out my hair - probably since the beginning of the spring semester. I can never really keep track of these things anyway. As you can imagine, now it has gotten quite long up to the point where it is unmanageable but not quite to the point where you can put it all in one pony tail. I can, however, put the would-be mullet (or is it a mullet? What is the precise definition of a mullet anyway?) in a tail, which I have just recently begun to do.(a)

Anyway, I continued to do my homework, and someone mentions the fact that I have a ponytail. "Yes," I said, "it's a ponytail now, and I am going to see where it takes me."(b) Of course, it won't ever reach Tarzan-like proportions, but there is still a lot of hair-growing yet. It is a lame attempt to fit in in that Latin American way, you know.

My response got a few laughs, made me feel all warm and accepted inside, and so on and so forth. Then, another fellow female student then said to me, "You know, Jon, you look more Asian with your hair up."

My heart stopped.


I couldn't believe it.

I have been trying so hard to conceal the fact that I am Asian by radically changing my appearance for 16 years (ever since I discovered that I was Asian). I mean, I don't dress in a hanbok nor in Bruce Lee issued black kung fu pants (nor do I carry bowstaves, do one finger push ups or eat bowls of rice obsessively - at least here in Chile). I wear Nike shoes and Columbia shirts for crying out loud. How much more oppressive American can I get? I could swear that I appeared - well I am not too sure exactly - but not Asian!

resolution: I will never put my hair up again. Haircut, here I come. (c)

The comment was a small one, probably made in good faith, but it was quite ridiculous. But more importantly, I think it highlights a couple of things about American culture. For context, the speaker has appeared before here as well.

1. The assumption that I am trying to look "less Asian" and consequently "more American". It seems to me that she made that coment because I seemed like I was going against a particular style perhaps unintentionally. Regressing would be too strong of a word, but maybe falling backwards would suggest the cultural faux pas committed.

This has two sides: One is within me, and how being American seems not to be Asian, and so Asians try not to be what they inherently look like (which seems to determine what they inherently are). This might be true for me, but for a plethora of reasons which are too tedious to go into right now. The other side is the side of the receptor. I suppose that she told me this because me looking more Asian was in disagreement with how she envisioned how I should be. thus, her comment tried to show how I am deviating from the norm established culturally.

2. The existence of a center axis of middle/upper class American culture that has a gravitational pull for all the people within its "tractor beam". American culture (as vague as that term is) is like an iron that seeks to plow through all the wrinkles in the fabric of diveristy we might have. Unfortunately, the tractor beam of American middle class culture like The DaVinci Code, Coke, MTV, Fall Out Boy, 10 Things I Hate About You, etc reaches out to the far ends of the world, but of course, it is the strongest closest to home. To participate in this type of culture, you have to subscribe to (as all cultures) certian codes and norms; however, in this particular type of culture based largely on American pop culture, image/appearance/the superficial is more important than what is real. And thus, instead of cultivating an attitude that accepts people for who they are, American culture chooses to impose the strict parameters of relating oneself to another according to what is comfortable to or normal for most common denominator.(d)

And so, on a less sarcastic note, things I have learned:

1. I will always look Asian. Damn you, Fortuna!
2. I don't have a good sense of style. In fact, I don't think I ever received a good compliment (female or otherwise) for my style. (e)
3. Blondes have more fun.
4. Sarkozy is the worst thing that happened to the France since the French Revolution. I love Le Monde.

Finally, although I criticize this, I realize that I am still quite the strong proponent of this type of attitude. Just to other people though. Ha.

(a) The purchase of those elastic things was quite awkward, especially since every single accessory around the elastic bands I was looking at were decorated with daisies and pink Hello, Kitty! cats. I could feel the parents pulling their daughters away from the dirty Asian guy with long hair staring confusedly at the girl's accessories.
(b) And I might as well considering that my time as a relatively worthess and irresponsible human being is coming to a rapid end.
(c) Ok, ok. In all truth, me growing out my hair is a poserish desire for me to look more artistic. Fine, I admit it. Also, I wanted to look a little different than all those other Jonathan Kim's out there, whatever style or whatever they have. I dont even know.
(d) This doesn't apply to everyone or even to the same degree to those people who do think this way. But, I am believe that this tendency certainly exists.
(e) When I swam seriously years ago, I had to swim in a long course outside every day. Since I didn't use sunscreen, I was quite dark (like Tamil black) due to the fact that I was out in the sun every day. Some of my fellow female teammates commented that I tanned myself too much. As if it was intentional! I still feel indignant about that.

Labels: chile, complaints, musings